Seireitei Serenade X

10) Special Report: A Menace to Society
Pairing/characters: Kenpachi, Yachiru, Ikkaku, Ukitake, Shunsui, several others
Description: She lurks.  She prowls.  She's the menace of Seireitei.
Warning: Faint spoilers for SS and HM arc, lotsa crack, Momo-bashing
Dedication: ...  Draco-sama, since I know how much she reeeeeaaaaalllllyyyy hates Momo.  And Azar-sama, since she came up with Darth Yachiru.
Rating: T (for violence)

-

The first thing Kenpachi was ever greeted with upon waking was his ward.  Her face always filled his vision when he opened his eyes - mostly because she was the one that woke him to begin with - but there were times, few and far between but there nonetheless, that his vice captain was nowhere in sight.  This morning was one such time and Kenpachi felt a shudder of dread when he saw that it was Ikkaku waking him instead of her.

"We have a problem," his third seat stated, scowling.  To attest to this fact, there was a dotted line of teeth marks around the top of his head, almost as if someone were planning to cut him open.

Kenpachi groaned.  "What now?" he asked, frowning faintly.

"She had too much sugar last night," Ikkaku answered.

Not really what he wanted to hear so early in the morning before he was even able to do up his hair.  Kenpachi covered his face with his hand.  "We'd better find 'er then, before she causes too much trouble."

Ikkaku nodded.  "Yeah.  We can start with Yumi and work outwards from there."

Yumichika was still asleep when they went to ask him so neither bothered to wake the fifth seat.  And no, Kenpachi was not scared of the outcome.  Not one bit.  Well, maybe a little but who wouldn't be?  Yumichika had a habit of getting violent when you interrupted his 'beauty sleep.'  Che, bastard.

No one else in the division had seen their lieutenant, though several were in varied states of unconsciousness.  Yachiru's handiwork no doubt.  One man even had another man's foot shoved up his ass.  Hanartaro was slowly extracting said foot but he hadn't seen the little ball of pink that morning.

So they headed to her second favorite place in Seireitei.  The sixth division was in chaos, Abarai-fukutaicho having been rendered unconscious and dressed in one of Kuchiki-hime's yukata.  A pink yukata to be more specific.  What the hell was Kuchiki-hime doing with a pink yukata in the first place?

Byakuya was downright furious and threatened to activate that paper-shredding act of his on Kenpachi if he didn't control his second seat.  Ikkaku had to drag his captain away from that particular confrontation, knowing they had to find Yachiru before she was able to get them in too much trouble.  Kenpachi's fight could wait.

In the fifth division Hinamori had been tied up by her ankles with several colorful drawings all over her and the word 'sucker' on her forehead.  Kenpachi snickered and Ikkaku groaned.  Izuru was busily trying to take the other vice captain down with little success, as Momo bawled and cried for her 'Aizen-taicho'.  Kenpachi was tempted to tell her that the man was gay and had been Urahara's lover at one point in time.  After Ikkaku helped Izuru get her down they headed out.

When they finally caught a glimpse of Yachiru she was just leaving the tenth division.  She saw them, waved, then vanished and Kenpachi was almost afraid to see what havoc she'd created for Hitsugaya.  Needless to say, Hitsugaya looked rather annoyed when they found him, plastered to the ceiling with candy as hard as rock.  Kenpachi didn't even want to know how she'd done that, so he left Matsumoto to get her captain down.

As they were passing the twelfth division on their way to the thirteenth, Ikkaku sighed and rubbed his temples.  "We're gonna be in trouble you know, taicho," he pointed out.

Kenpachi grunted.  He was about to reply when he heard an outraged shriek that sounded suspiciously like a mix of female and Mayuri.  Oh no.  They hurried into the 12th, only to see that Yachiru had left but not before she'd fused Mayuri and Nemu together.  Mayuri pointed accusingly at Kenpachi.

"You," he said in that high-pitched voice of his.  "Get your second seat under control!" he shrieked, trying unsuccessfully to pull his and Nemu's heads apart.

Zaraki snorted.  "Gotta find 'er first," he retorted.  "Have fun."

Ikkaku snickered as they left heading for the 13th.  When they arrived, Yachiru was curled up asleep on the couch and Ukitake was both drinking some tea and doing his paperwork.  Ikkaku and his captain gaped for a few minutes before the thirteenth company captain looked up, smiling at them.

"Please!  Come in and have a cup of tea!" he offered, motioning toward the extra cups set out on the coffee table.

"How'd you do it?" Ikkaku asked.

Shunsui, who was sprawled on the floor in front of Jyuushiro's desk, drinking sake without managing to spill a drop, snorted.  "Tranquilizer," he offered.  "Why didn't you tell me you had the stuff, Jyuu-chan?" he whined.

Both eleventh division members looked at Ukitake, who simply smiled.  "The hell?" Kenpachi asked, looking confused.

"Oh, it's happened before," the other captain replied, waving his hand dismissively before returning to his paperwork.

-

On his way to the captain's meeting the next day, Kenpachi noticed that the entirety of the second division was burned down.  He snickered and mentally congratulated Yachiru.